


Take Me to Church

by writeitinred



Category: In the Flesh (TV), Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Multi, Murder, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-08
Updated: 2015-07-21
Packaged: 2018-03-16 21:11:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 21,525
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3502895
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/writeitinred/pseuds/writeitinred
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's been three years since Castiel was murdered and his colors faded away. Three years and everything has changed except for the face that would haunt his dreams from time to time.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you all for taking the chance and reading all of this! This will be in two parts and I'm working on part two but bear with me because I am a busy person! 
> 
> A long time ago I talked to Linneart on tumblr and I wanted to write an In The Flesh/Supernatural crossover and she did an amazing piece of art. I can never thank her enough for actually forming the idea in my head! If you haven't checked her out yet you definitely should because she is amazing!

_A scream was ready to rip out of his throat, only to be replaced with tiny whimpers of ‘no’. He can hear the calming words of his brother’s boyfriend Sam and the worried tone of his brother’s voice, but the memory won’t fade away. If he shuts his eyes, the images become more vivid. The feel of his blood, the faces, and the colors fading away were all too much._

_There’s darkness. Darkness and hushed voices. Cas can hear the desperation and worry in their tones. He couldn’t tell where he was at or where the people were coming from, the silky softness of the blindfold blocking his view. He’s bound to a chair, the rope biting in his skin with every desperate jerk. He tries to get free, tries to scream for someone to come and save him. It was no use with his mouth taped shut, his frantic yelling sounding more like gibberish._

_Panic reared its ugly head making his body shake violently. Around him the voices grew louder and there’s faint sobbing that could be heard in the background. He doesn't understand why anyone would be crying. It wasn’t like they were the one's strapped to a chair like they were nothing more than a rag doll._

_Footsteps echoed in the room like gunshots fired. It made Cas freeze. All of his muscles seemed to lock up and he feels vulnerable. It was like whoever was coming towards him was stripping away his defenses, making him feel like a child who was about to wet himself in fear._

_The sobbing got louder and confusion and fear whirled around in Castiel’s head. He wanted to cry, he wanted to vomit, and he wanted to be anywhere but here. The footsteps stopped but the sobbing didn’t. It was so loud but it was so silent at the same time._

_Sweat pooled around his collar bone, his breathing rigid. His breath hitched at the familiar feel of the hand pressing into his shoulder. It was a hand that he spent many days and nights having nightmares about, a hand that his skin knew all too well. He tried to squirm away, his muscles straining against the rope. The hand tightened his grip and Cas whimpered in pain and submission._

_There’s the sound of rustling clothes, and if it was possible the sobs got louder when something cold and sharp pressed to the column of his this throat._

_“How are your precious colors now, Castiel?”_

_The voice is rough and mocking, and realization hit him like a brick when he figured out who was behind him._

_“How are they going to come to your rescue now, or how will your precious little Dean cope? Either way, I hope you both rot in hell.”_

_NO!_

_There’s a slick sound as the knife slides across Cas’s throat, the blooding flowing down his neck. His blindfold is pulled off, slipping down as if in slow motion. Stolid faces filled his vision and some were struggling to keep that emotionless face, but at least he could see the colors that splashed around._

_If seeing colors is his last punishment before dying, then his father had another thing coming. Colors aren’t a sin, not when they are so beautiful. He remembers when the colors first came into view, and it was the best day of his life. The first day he met Dean Winchester was the day he decided that emerald green was on the top of his favorite colors, only to be followed by the soft tan color of his freckles._

_Now…Now the colors were fading, sizzling back down to the bleak black and grey he once saw. He let out a chocked sob, tasting a faint hint of rust and iron on his tongue. How? How could this be happening? Didn’t his father and mother once see the million colors of the rainbow, or was their relationship just a lie to put a map of colorless bruises on his skin?_

_His vision is blurring, diminishing and he’s starting to have trouble breathing. The colors are gone now and there are tears that are rolling down his cheeks, and down his neck to mix in with the blood._

_Someone cradled his head in their hands, their frantic mumbling sounding like a far off echo. The person kept sobbing, begging him not to go. He wanted to laugh at that moment, wanted to laugh like a mad man. It was a little too late to beg for a life to be saved when his blood was already on their hands._

_“Castiel!” they sobbed._

_“Castiel!” they screamed._

_“Wake up!” they begged._

\--

“Castiel!”

Cas jerked awake, the medicine pumping through his body at a sluggish pace. He snapped his head from side to side trying to figure out his surroundings. There were hands on his shoulders, trying to keep him down as he struggled to keep reality and fantasy from mixing together.

“Castiel! You’re okay! You’re safe!”

A scream was ready to rip out of his throat, only to be replaced with tiny whimpers of ‘no’. He can hear the calming words of his brother’s boyfriend Sam and the worried tone of his brother’s voice, but the memory won’t fade away. If he shuts his eyes, the images become more vivid. The feel of his blood, the faces, and the colors fading away were all too much.

The feeling of large rough hands digging into his skin made him scream, thrashing his body around to try and get them off. They reminded him of his father and it made him terrified.  Then there was the touch of gentle hands on his cold flesh, soft and reassuring and Castiel was brought back in the world of reality. He blinked away the last of his panic, his world of black and grey coming back into focus. The hands on his shoulders let up and Castiel relaxed immediately, looking up to see his brother looming over him.

“You okay little bro?” Gabriel asked, his words filled with worry.

 There’s a part of Castiel that wished Gabriel didn’t have to see any of his attacks. There was nothing he could do about that though since his brother gives him his daily medicine, and the man refused to let anyone else do it.

“I’m fine, Gabe, really. You know better than anyone that the flashbacks are just a side effect of the medicine. It will get better as time goes on. Right, Sam?”

He turned to look at the tree of a man his brother fell in love with. He remembers when they were younger Sam looked like a tall scrawny kid who didn’t know how to fit in his own skin. Now he looked like he could move a mountain if he wanted to.

“Cas is right. Everything will be okay. The doctor even said that this would happen each time. He’s going to have flashbacks about the worst time in his life, but he’ll be okay.”

Castiel tugged on his brother’s grip, sighing in annoyance when he wouldn’t budge. He sat there looking up at his brother until the older man sighed and loosened his grip. He left without another word knowing that the minute he was out of ear shot they would be whispering about their worries. It happens every time but Castiel doesn’t understand it.

He’s perfectly alright. Everything is going great for him at the moment. He’s back home, he’s not getting his life threatened every moment of the day, and one of his best friends lives across the street. He could deal with a couple of flashbacks because everything would be alright.

Everything will turn out perfectly, except he doesn’t feel like it will.

He should be having flashbacks about the time he rose. Not the time he got his throat slit by his abusive father. Except he doesn’t remember anything from when he rose from his grave. He doesn’t remember what the dirt or air felt like once he got out of his coffin. He doesn’t remember what he did or who he ate during his rabid state. It’s something he’s not sure he wants to remember because one painful flashback is enough. He doesn’t need another one.

He slipped inside his room and fell on his bed with a tired groan. His body's humming with exhaustion from the medicine shock, but he wasn’t going to be able to sleep. Not when his mind sounded like a thousand sullen hornets. Castiel let out another tired groan as thought after thought assaulted his mind. He shifted his body around to look at his dull ceiling.

He moved his eyes back and forth, taking in the empty walls and shelves. The only thing that he had brought with him from the clinic is a few clothes, and only one picture of him and Dean. He smiles as he remembers the day that was taken. It was the day before his murder, their eyes shining bright as Dean kissed his cheek.

They had only been together for a few months but those were the happiest months in Castiel’s life. Dean had shown him so many different things that his family never bothered with. With Dean everything had been so colorful, but even now Castiel struggles with trying to remember the colors he had seen while he was alive. For three years he has seen only black and white, and he longs to reach out and touch all of the colors he once saw. Those green eyes he loved so much were now a far off memory to him and Castiel wished they weren’t.

He wished that he could know where Dean was residing now, but Sam said that after his attack he had dropped off the face of the Earth. It almost didn’t seem possible that Dean had run away from everything seeing as though family meant everything to him. Maybe he is back in Roarton but Sam just wasn’t telling him for his own safety, or maybe he’s just hanging on to the hope that he could actually see Dean again.

Maybe it’s for the better if he didn’t see Dean so soon. The man could despise him, hit him, want nothing to do with him and Castiel would understand. He would probably do the same thing if the positions were reversed.

He—

There was a hard clink on his window making Castiel shoot straight up. That was probably just a pebble falling from the roof. No one knew he had come home yet and he doubts that they would throw just a little pebble if they did.

He started to lay back down when he heard the same noise again. That wasn’t a coincidence, but who would know that he’s here if he hasn’t even been outside yet? Unless—

“Kieren!” He hissed as he scrambled off the bed, sliding the window up to see a skinny figure with a hoodie and skinny jeans staring up at him. There’s a smile that’s lighting up his face, one that Castiel can’t help but reciprocate. He hasn’t seen Kieren since they both left the treatment center and he’s glad to see his friend’s all right.

“What are you doing over here? You know it’s not safe for you to be out here yet.”

Kieren shrugged turning his head from side to side like he’s afraid someone might hear before speaking.

“We’ve been cooped for more than a week. I think it’s time for a little fresh air. Plus Amy and Simon are waiting for us.”

Amy and Simon? He hasn’t seen them since they left either and it would great if he could see them again, but there’s the thing about getting past Gabriel and Sam. Castiel bit his lip in consideration, knowing his scar was going to be hard to cover up. No amount of makeup would cover the gaping scar on his neck, and no shirt would do the same.

It’s a risk worth taking though.

“Okay, but if we get into trouble I’m leaving it up to you.”

The smile that brightened up Kieren’s face washed away all of his worries. He missed that smile, and to see it again in full force after three years was the best thing Castiel has seen since colors.

“Deal.”

\----

Getting past Gabriel and Sam was easier than Castiel thought it was going to be. Though he’s sure that when he’s found to be missing he would be getting an earful later. It didn’t matter at the moment seeing as though it was nice to finally be outside. As dreary as this place could be Castiel forgot how wonderful being able to walk around freely could be.

Even with this happy feeling paranoia picked at the back of his brain. His eyes shifted whenever something moved or he pulled his hoodie closer to his neck when someone walked by. He has his cover up on, skin and eyes looking just how they used to, but he wished that he could cover up the only thing giving him away.

He’s worried someone is going to notice it and start screaming their head off in fear. He tries to cover up the best he can with his hoodie, but there’s only so much he can do to hide his identity.

Next to him Kieren had his hoodie over his head and if they didn’t look like a couple of troubled kids then he didn’t know what they looked like. No wonder people were staring at them suspiciously.

They walked in comfortable silence, the rocks crunching beneath their shoes as they walked the path. Castiel did wonder where they were going since it was never specified where this path was going to take them, but the moment he hears creepy carnival music he freezes.

“A carnival? Really? We couldn’t have met the somewhere else with less people to pitchfork us?”

The look Kieren gave him told him that he was exaggerating, but he really wasn’t. He’s heard of people who have killed his kind before out of fear. He, hopefully, was not going to be a part of that today, but the look on Kieren’s face suggested he didn’t have a choice.

Kieren’s scared too. He could see that clear as day underneath the annoyed exterior. They’ve been told the same stories by the same people in the treatment center, and it had frightened them both. It definitely stuck in their heads, but underneath the fright there’s curiosity. The need to explore outweighed the need for them to hide. 

Castiel wanted to say no. It’s on the tip of his tongue and his feet are ready to take him back, but he had the same curiosity. There’s a curiosity to see if Dean is there, but there’s a part of him that knows he won’t be.

With an irratated sigh, Castiel takes a step forward. He doesn’t say anything, just continues to walk until they are past they front gate with only minimal stares.

His paranoia has come back full force now that they are inside. Every time a kid screamed in delight he would jump only to feel like an idiot a few seconds later. He shouldn’t be jumping so much. Nothing is going to happen to them and yet he still couldn’t shake this nagging feeling. It made him bring the hood closer to his face, doing his best to cover up the protruding scar.

“Castiel!” someone screams and before he could even brace himself he’s wrapped up in someone’s arms. “Oh how I missed you!”

He’s lucky none of his important organs are working because he’s pretty sure that they would have been crushed. He managed to push the arms away to see that they belonged to Amy. Even dead she still managed to take his breath away. It reminded him of all the times they had fashion shows when they were younger, and each time he would sit in awe at how lucky he was to have a beautiful friend. It’s a good memory, one that Castiel held on to when they were in the facility.

It didn’t surprise Castiel that she didn’t have any cover up on. She’s always been the one to go against the flow, something that he’s always admired, but what did surprise him is that no one has said anything about it. There should be a screaming mob somewhere around but there wasn’t. There’s only fearful stares and hushed whispers. He suspects that they are all too afraid to say anything which Castiel’s not complaining about. He could deal with some peace for a little while.

“How’ve you been since I’ve seen you last?” Amy asks quietly as she takes a step back from him.

That’s a question Castiel doesn’t know how to answer. He’s not really sure he’s felt anything since he’s been here except for the anxious paranoia settling at the back of his mind. He’d like to say that everything's fine, but that’s not the truth.

He settles on a quick jerk of his shoulder only to receive an eye roll in return.

“I’m alive again so that’s something right? Being without colors isn’t so bad either, but it’d be nice to remember what each of them looked like.”

The annoyance in her eyes shifted to some sort of understanding. Before she died she had her colors as well, in fact all four of them did. If anyone understood what he’s going through, it’d be them. He moves his view to look at Simon who is talking to Kieren with a smile spreading his lips. Those two have been soul mates since they were alive, and Castiel is glad to see that connection between them has never broke.

“Look at those love birds,” Amy cooed. “I’d find it cute if my teeth weren’t already rotting. Speaking of cute, have you found Dean yet?”

Castiel shook his head shifting his focus back to Amy.

“Sam said that after my murder he shut himself off and he hasn’t been heard from since. I wish that I could remember the color of his eyes or the color of his hair. The only thing that I can remember is the memories that were left behind, but can we focus on something else? I’d rather make new memories than dwell on the old ones. It’s all I’m reminded of these days.”

Amy pats in his shoulder in agreement turning to face Kieren and Simon, still in their own little world. It’s his first look at Simon since he got here, and it he has to say that it doesn’t surprise him that Simon isn’t wearing any cover up either. He never wanted to in the facility, and it was one thing Kieren and he fought about. Castiel can see the annoyance in Kieren’s features already, and if Simon’s pout was anything to go by he’s already trying to apologize.

She cleared her throat watching as the two jumped apart. A laugh slipped past his lips and for the first time in a long time it’s genuine. His smile feels like it actually belonged there instead of foreign and broken, and it stays there all throughout the day. He never thought that he could smile or laugh this much again and it feels great.

There’s no interruptions; no one to tell them what they can and can’t do. Castiel finds himself starting to relax, and he starts to think that maybe not seeing colors isn’t so bad. He can live with it as long as he can keep smiling and laughing with his friends.  The ache of not being able to see Dean will begin to fade if he can have this; if he can live without fear of being murdered for what he is then the clouds above his head will slowly start to clear.

By the time they were done the sun was starting to settle leaving the sky in a mixture of colors that he’s sure are beautiful. His smile mirrored his friends, never leaving from their lips. He’s glad that Kieren decided to bring him here even if he didn’t show it at first. He can take the severe lecture he’ll get from Gabriel and Sam later if he could keep this memory forever.

They’re almost to the gate, laughing like they used to, when his body seems to freeze. It makes his friends stop too, their mouths moving to ask him what’s wrong but he can’t answer them back. His smile slips when the man he hasn’t seen for years is standing only a few feet away from him. 

Castiel doesn’t know what to do. He doesn’t know if he should run or if he should walk up to him and say something. He can see the shock and the disbelief in those eyes from where he’s standing, but underneath that is something totally different. It’s something he hasn’t been on the receiving end of until now, and he doesn’t understand why.

“Dean.” Castiel breathes as he takes a step forward but he’s instantly brought back by a tug on his arm. He struggles against the hand trying to shake it off, but they’re not letting go. He turns his head to yell at whoever is holding on—

“Fucking Rotters!”

His words are drowned by the booming voice, a voice he would recognize anywhere. He turns his head to see Dean coming over to him, but he isn’t smiling. He isn’t the same Dean that Castiel remembered. His eyes looked as if they were hard as stone making his already dead body shiver.

“Cas we need to go now!” Simon yelled and for once Castiel agreed with him, and so they ran. He turned his head as they reached the gate, watching as Dean clutched at his hair in frustration. He was screaming something but Castiel couldn’t hear it over the pounding of their feet. That—that wasn’t the man he remembers. Those weren’t the gentle loving eyes he’d seen every day, and those words that were spoken were not the words that Castiel remembers him saying.

Castiel kept running, ignoring the concerned chants of his name. He kept running until he got home opening the door to let it slam back shut. He didn’t care if his brother and Sam heard him, though by the surprised noises that came from the living room they had. There were angry shouts but he’s already in his room with the door shut and his face shoved in his pillow to care.

“Castiel Thursday Novak! Where the hell have you been?!”

He doesn’t answer. The words he wants to say get stuck in his throat, forming a knot he knows he won’t be able to get rid of without cracking. He curls himself into a ball folding the pillow over his head as a way of blocking out the world.

Castiel feels the dip of his bed and the familiar comfort of a hand that seems to burn his skin makes Castiel flinch. The hand retreats with a sense of guilt but Castiel doesn’t move to console, only shuts himself down even more. He tightens his hold on the pillow as he hears the door close with a small click, and he stays that way until the sun finally sets and the moon takes its place.

He stays that way until the image of Dean’s eyes and balled up fists slips away with the falling of his eyelids. It’s a small peace until the nightmares come to take its place.

\--

_He’s in the darkness again, except there’s something that feels different about it this time. The blindfold and restraints are still there, as well as the feeling of dread and hopelessness. Except there isn’t anyone talking, and there’s no one crying his name. It seems like no one is there this time which doesn’t make any sense. He’s not supposed to be alone, not in this dream._

_“Hello?” he whispers, struggling to find the strength to speak. “Is anyone there?”_

_The quiet laughter that ensues makes Castiel’s skin crawl. It doesn’t belong to his father but someone else he knows far too well. He squirms against the restraints even harder, ignoring the shooting pain of the rope biting into his skin. He rocks his chair back and forth hearing the useless slam of the chairs legs as they hit the concrete ground._

_Castiel’s heart is beating so fast that he doesn’t hear the footsteps behind him until a hand covers his shoulder. He knew that touch much more than his father’s.  It made him squirm even more thrashing his whole body around to get away from searing burn the touch left._

_“You’re not the Cas I remember. The Cas I remember isn’t a fucking rotter. He’s dead and will continue to stay dead. You’re just an empty shell of him, and I’ll be damned if I have you walking around with his face just to torture me every day.”_

_“No,” Castiel sobs. The grip on his shoulder tightens, keeping him in place. “No I am him! I am the Cas you know! Please Dean!”_

_His voice cracks but there are no tears this time. He has no more tears to show that he’s the Cas that Dean once knew. The familiar felling of a blade being pressed into his skin made him cry out_.

\--

“Dean!” Castiel screams, opening up his eyes and scrambling up to curl into the corner of the wall. He starts to hyperventilate, his knees bent up to his chest. The room looks like it’s blending together, mixing reality and dream world together. He thinks that Dean is coming into the room making him scream even louder.

Hands are on him, wrapping around his shaking frame to calm him down. Castiel pounds against the chest as he continues to scream. He doesn’t want to die anymore. He doesn’t want any more of his blood to spill, and he doesn’t know how many more of his nightmares he can take.

“Shh, little brother, it’s okay. I’m here.”

Castiel screams until they turn into tiny whimpers and his punches are soft. He struggles to decipher whose voice it is until he feels warm hands run through his short brown hair, and then he’s clinging onto his brother’s shirt for dear life. He wants to cry, wishes he could do anything but dry sob into Gabriel’s shirt.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” Castiel whispered into Gabriel’s shirt. His brother tried to push him back but he can’t look at him, not after today.

“Sorry for what? For going out to explore? I can’t be mad at you for that when I know that I would do the exact same thing. I was just worried that something happened to you, but if you do go out make sure you tell Sam or me okay?”

Castiel nodded as he pulled back, still avoiding his brother’s eyes. He clinches his fists in an effort to try and stop his shaking. He brings his knees to his chest, hugging them close as he rests his chin on the bone. 

“Will you tell me what happened to you today?” Gabriel’s voice is soft and reassuring, almost as if he’s afraid that something might set him off. His hand strokes up and down his spin, a soothing touch that makes Castiel calm a fraction.

“I saw Dean today,” he replied with a tremor to his voice. He watches as his brother’s eyes widen but he doesn’t say a word about it. “He seemed to have recognized me, but instead of smiling he looked like—like he wanted to kill me.”

Castiel knew he made the mistake of telling his brother when the reassurance he had earlier all but left his facial features.

“I’ve changed my mind. You’re not allowed to go without Sam or me. Do you get that?” His words are sharp and clipped and Castiel can’t find the reason why.

“You can’t take back what you said. I know I made a mistake but if I avoid Dean I should be fine right? You can’t protect me from everyone Gabriel. Not anymore.”

Gabriel sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose in frustration, “I think Sam should be the one to explain this to you.” 

Confusion settled over Castiel's features as he follows Gabriel down to his bedroom. Obviously there’s more to what happened after he rose than anyone has told him. Does this mean that Sam lied to him when he said that he had no idea where Dean went after his murder, or does this mean that Dean had continued to live in Roarton after all these years?

“Sam, baby, you have some explaining to do. Cas here saw Dean today and your brother almost ended up taking out my brother.”

Sam groaned running a hand over his face. He doesn’t look surprised that it happened but there looks to be a little worry in those features. He pats the spot next to him which Cas obeys, his curiosity outweighing the part of him that doesn’t want to know.

“After your murder Dean was really withdrawn and he did move away, not to get away from the memory of you but because he couldn’t handle being in a town where murderers got to walk freely. Then the Rising happened and he learned that a couple of zombies ripped our parents to shreds, and that sent Dean over the edge. He didn’t know what to do with the anger and frustration that built up inside him, so he turned to killing. The group that he’s in now, the HVF, made him swear that any zombie he came in contact with needed to die. He turned into something he didn’t want to become but he didn’t know what else to do.”

Castiel held up a hand to stop Sam from talking further, not knowing if he can process any more information. It’s all so much for him to handle. Dean, the lovable stubborn-headed Dean he knew, is now someone who would kill another being because he’s told to do so? The Dean he remembered would only fight if someone had it coming, not because someone told him to.

“You must be mistaken,” Castiel whispered. “That doesn’t sound like him. He wouldn’t do any of what you say he’s done. No, that’s impossible!”

Castiel doesn’t want to believe it but somehow he has to. The Dean he saw today would have killed him if he got the chance. If Simon hadn’t gotten him out of there when he did then he would be lying in his second grave. The realization scared him completely but at the same time it brings him relief, and he doesn’t know what scares him more.

“Cas, Dean doesn’t know what’s right and wrong anymore. I’ve tried to help him, believe me, but I don’t think that he can be saved. He just too far gone.”

That’s what Castiel doesn’t want to believe. No one is too far gone to be saved. At least that’s what Dean had always told him. It’s something that he’s always kept in mind, and he doesn’t think that Dean can be too far gone to forget all the things they went through.

“Do you really think that if he did see me that he would kill me? Won’t he recognize me and know that I am me?”

Sam shrugged along with a look that said he’d be stupid for even trying. Though Castiel hates to admit it, he’s right. Right now he wouldn’t be able to face Dean without breaking down or closing his eyes and accepting what’s coming for him.

“Right,” Castiel answered with a deep sigh. “With all this information to process I’m going back to bed. Plus I’ll have loads of time to think about everything with the amount of time I won’t be spending outdoors.”

He avoided everyone’s gaze as he slid off the bed, turning to give them a good night except no words came out. The words got stuck in his throat with everything else that was desperate to get out. He settles for a jerky nod before heading back to his room.

The thoughts in his head clashed like Titans going to war making his head buzz.

When he got back to his room he pulled the picture of Dean and him off the wall before climbing back into bed. He ran his thumb over Dean’s smiling face, wanting nothing more than to go back to those times. He stayed like that until his eyes started to droop, moving the picture close to his chest with the hope that his dream would be filled with smiles instead of screams and tears for once.

\--

Over the next few days Castiel did nothing except take his medication, scream from his nightmares, and on a rare occasion he saw his friends with Gabriel or Sam looming in the background. He feels like he’s back at the treatment facility with how much he’s being monitored. He’s never alone and although Castiel knows that Gabriel and Sam are trying to keep him safe, he’s going mad.

He almost begs for them to let him to talk a walk outside, he’ll take Kieren along or anyone, just as long as he can go outside. Seeing the same walls for three weeks can drive anyone insane. He’s surprised he lasted as long as he did at the facility.

It wasn’t until the end of his fourth week staring at the same walls did he get his wish. Castiel is sitting on the bed with a book open when he hears screaming coming from the kitchen. There’s the sound of a fist hitting flesh and bone followed by a loud crash.

Castiel closes his book, a sense of confusion and panic starting to rise. The sound of pounding footsteps getting closer and closer to his door makes him scramble around, trying to find a hiding spot. He knows it’s useless but he feels like it’s the only choice he has right now. He can at least delay his execution by a few seconds.

The door is kicked open making Castiel flinch when it slams against the wall. He watches through the cracks of his closet as Dean storms in looking like a mad man as he rips through his room, throwing everything around.

Castiel holds his breath when Dean turns to look at the closet. He tries to move himself into the corner but it’s too late. Dean’s ripping the closet door open, yelling at him that if he didn’t get out now he’d shoot him right where he stood.

“You’re going to shoot me anyway,” Castiel fired back. “Why not shoot me here?”

Dean yanked on his wrist pulling him out of the closet, his gun digging into his back. There’s no response from him only a hard shove. Castiel doesn't fight but he does give Gabriel and Sam a passing glance as a way to tell them that everything would somehow be okay. Blood flows from Sam’s nose, slipping off his chin and onto his pants. Gabriel is looking at him as if he should fight back but if he did that Dean wouldn't hesitate to kill him, and Castiel doesn't want to scar the both of them more than they already were.

They all should have seen this coming anyway. If Dean is the person Sam says he is now then they really should have seen this coming, but he still can’t help but feel the full fledge panic when he’s taken outside to see Kieren in the middle of the street on his knees with a gun pointing at the middle of his head. He’s trying to plead with the person who’s holding the gun and as Castiel gets closer he can see that it’s Rick. It’s not surprising that Rick would do this seeing as his father would go up and down his street ranting and raving how the “Rotters” were all supposed to die.

There’s a crowd surrounding the area some of them cowering away from the scene and some with their eyes shining with excitement. He’s thrown next to Kieren, his legs kicked out from underneath him. The gun is pressed to his forehead, the gun being cocked before he can even get a word out.

“Dean, please,” he pleads. “Please don’t do this. Think about what you’re doing.”

“Please?” Dean sneered. “That’s all you have to say? You’re not the real him. You’re not the real Castiel I remember so why should I spare you? Give me one reason why I shouldn’t put this bullet through your head right now.”

There are a million reasons that Castiel could say but all of them get jumbled up in his brain. He closes his eyes as he tries to piece up the important memories. There had to be at least one that would make Dean falter and let both him and Kieren go.

“Blue eyed Angel,” Castiel whispers opening up his eyes to see the confusion set into Dean’s features. “You called me your Blue eyed Angel on the day we met, and it was my nickname from then on out.”

The memory hits them both. It’s a memory of the moment that their colors came into focus and the moment they knew that their lives would be intertwined forever. Dean’s gun lowers a fraction, his eyes flicking between anger and recognition. Castiel holds his breath, watching Dean as he battles between bringing the gun up again and bringing it back down to his side.

“How do I know that you’re not lying?” Dean yelled. “How do I know that you’re not a fake with his memories?”

Castiel shook his head, shrugging his shoulders in response.

“I don’t know Dean, but what I do know is that the time you gave me was the best time of my life. You made me see that seeing colors wasn’t a sinful thing and for that I’m forever grateful. So if you want to kill me go ahead, but there’s no guarantee that the person you’ll be killing is a fake.”

Dean began to raise his gun again and Castiel knew that this was going to end up like his nightmare. No matter how many things he says, or how many times he pleads he’s still going to die. The gun is pressed to his forehead but Castiel held Dean’s gaze. If he’s going to be murdered again by the person he has never stopped loving then Dean’s going to have to look him in the eyes while he does it.

The world seems to quiet around them as Dean’s finger moves to the trigger. The terrifying feeling is gone replaced with an empty feeling that starts to spread throughout his body. The cries and the sobs are slipping through their broken wall, but their easy to ignore. This is like his murder all over again except he gets to look the person doing the killing in the eyes.

“Go.”

The command is soft and yet it has so much hidden emotion behind it that it shatters Castiel in some way. He sees the gun retracting but he’s not sure if he’s imagined it. It’s not until Dean puts the safety back on and into his back pocket that anything registers.

“What are you deaf now too? I said go and if I see you again I swear I won’t hesitate to shoot you in the fucking head. Do you understand me?”

Castiel gives him a quick nod before scrambling up to his feet to help Kieren. He checks him over, bringing him into a tight hug when none were found. Kieren’s body is shaking, clinging on to him like this nightmare isn’t over and Castiel knows that it isn’t. Dean may have let them go but that doesn’t mean Rick is on board with the idea. This doesn’t mean that any of them are safe from any others that would want to do the same thing.

“Go home,” Castiel whispers into Kieren’s hair. “Call Simon and tell him you’re safe. Call Amy too okay?”

He sends Kieren on his way watching as his parents both wrap him up in their arms. His sister, Jem, watches in disdain but Castiel can tell that from behind the mask she’s glad nothing happened to him either. He makes sure that Kieren is in his house safely before turning to look at Dean.

The crowd has gone from a quiet whispering to a rage that wouldn't be satisfied. Castiel knows that the reputation Dean has built up over these years is starting to crumble.

Dean Winchester will be forever weak to Roarton now that he’s shown mercy. Rick's screaming at him, pushing at him until Dean has no choice but to scream back.

There's fear rolling off of Dean in waves and Castiel wants to do nothing but reach out and take it away. The need was too much for him to handle and he took a step forward only to force himself to step back. He shouldn't feel sorrow at this situation. He should be infuriated at what Dean did but he can’t find anything of the sort. He knows why Dean had to do it but that didn't mean his family would.

“Thank you Dean.” He whispers but he doesn’t say anything else just walks away until he’s enveloped in Gabriel’s arms followed by Sam’s.

He's enveloped in his brother's arms that are followed by Sam's soon after. The silence between them was oddly comforting, only heavy breathing and tiny whimpers told their own words.

They walk inside and just like that it’s like nothing ever happened or at least that’s what Castiel would like to believe. He’d like to believe that his life wasn’t just threatened and he barely escaped another death. Except Dean’s broken face kept popping up in front of him. The longing to go back outside and just touch is too strong and it takes everything he has not to.

He walks into his room ignoring all the misplaced things and grabbing the picture from under his pillow. The person in this photo is still in Dean Castiel knows it. If he can just see Dean again he may be able to get to him somehow.  Even with the threat of death looming over his head if he did see the man again he knows that he can break through a little more. He did it today and he’s sure he can do it again.

“Do you miss him?”

Gabriel’s voice made him jump, looking up to see him leaning against the door frame. He doesn't hide the picture in his hands as his brother makes his way towards him.

“Of course I miss him. He’s my soulmate, or at least he was. My love for that man will never fade, and I know I shouldn’t be forgiving him for almost putting a bullet in my head but I do. Everything he’s done, I understand why.”

Gabriel reached out to ruffle his hair, laughing when he batted his hand away. Through the irritating gesture Castiel knew what his brother was trying to say. Gabriel understood as well but that didn’t mean that he approves of what Dean has done.

"What Dean did is unforgivable in Sam's eye, and as much as I hate to admit it it’s hard for me to forgive as well. What you said to him today must have really shocked him though because I’ve never seen him that shaken before. He's confused just as much as you are, little brother. He doesn't know what to do now, but he still loves you. That much is certain."

Castiel nudged his brother with his foot, a smile spreading on his lips.

“When did you get so wise? I think Sam’s rubbed off on you.”

Gabriel laughed and it’s a sound that Castiel has missed. He remembers hearing it all the time when they were together with Sam and Dean. He doesn’t think that his brother has laughed once like he used to since he’s been here, and he’s glad he is able to hear it again. It’s something he hopes to continue hearing.

“Maybe he has but I wouldn’t change anything about him. Alright, little bro get some sleep and get used to these walls because I doubt you’ll be seeing any outside world for a while.”

Castiel groaned, wanting to bash his head against the wall. It was to be predicted that this was going to happen but it didn’t make it any less irritating. It wasn’t even dark out either and he doubts he’ll get any sleep since his head will be filled with nightmares, but lying in bed did sound nice.

“Do you think that our parents will ever come back? To, you know, finish the job for a second time?” He asks quietly, stopping his brother from leaving. The question had been nagging at him for a while now but he just didn’t have to time to really dwell on it. The fear of the possibility strikes at him like a snake, its venom spreading until it made him choke.

“I-” Gabriel starts. “I don’t know. They could have been taken out by someone, but if they do come I’ll be there for you this time. I won’t let them hurt you again.”

The words were said through clenched teeth, a testament to his own pain that he kept hidden. Castiel could see that Gabriel blames himself for not being there that day, but it wasn’t anyone’s fault. They would have gotten their hands on him eventually and no one would have been able to stop it. He opened his mouth to say something, to comfort, but there were no words to say.

“Don’t worry about it, Cas. Focus on getting some sleep.”

Nothing he could say would erase the guilt that his brother felt and all Castiel can do is nod and do as he was told.

He snuggles into his covers, watching Gabriel’s retreating back. The picture is coddled close to his chest as his eyes start to drift shut. He’s not sure what the next few weeks will bring but all he could do was hope that he'd be ready for whatever comes. 

\--

The next couple of weeks went by slowly. He could go outside but only if Sam or Gabriel were around which wasn’t often since they both had to work. Then the whole PDS giveback program came in which made every PDS sufferer give back to the community for not putting a bullet between their eyes.

It infuriates Castiel that half of the town thinks that this an excellent program, but then again half the town is against them in the first place.

He doesn’t want to do any of it but it keeps his mind off of things for a while. It helps him with a nightmares too if only a little. There still there but every other night and Castiel is a tad bit grateful for that.

Through the work hours there’s a part of him that hopes Dean might show up but he squashes it down as immediately as it comes. He talks to Simon sometimes to keep his hope at bay, and to not jump to conclusions whenever he thinks he sees a familiar head of hair.

“How are you doing? Kieren told me everything.” Simons asks during a break. The rain fell in a gentle pour, hitting their jackets with a soft patter. Castiel puts his hood over his head even though he knows he doesn’t need to. The cold doesn’t affect him anymore like it used to but it’s just something he’s used to.

“I’m not mad at Dean if that’s what you mean. I’m not even a little bit furious at him. I want to be because then I’ll feel like I’m not crazy, but I can’t.”

It startles Castiel when Simon starts to laugh. He doesn’t think he has said anything funny but there Simon is laughing away at some joke he apparently said. A smile played on his own lips at the man’s infectious laughter, shaking his shoulder to get him to stop when he roused the attention of one of the guards.

“You know Kieren said the exact same thing about Rick. He spent the whole phone call trying to come up with some reason to be upset, but then he’d just say why he shouldn’t be right after. It’s not easy for him to forget the man he was friends with for more than ten years I suppose.”

Castiel knows the truth to those words. Rick had been Kieren’s best friend since he was born, destined to be together if they wanted to be or not. He’s surprised Rick wasn’t Kieren’s soul mate to be honest with how close they were, but they were soul mates but in the friend sense. Now everything has all gone downhill, and somewhere in this mess friendships have been lost.

“Hey, what are you doing tonight? Think you can come to Amy’s party at around nine or so? She thought it would be a good idea, and it’ll be like old times except without all the booze and food. Plus you could sneak out again like you did before all the crap happened.”

This time Castiel laughed. He starts to remember all the times Gabriel and him snuck out of the house, barely able to keep quiet as they crawled out of their bathroom window. They’d stay out all night only to sneak back in minutes before their parents woke up. Some nights they didn’t even make it back in time, but the bruises that marked his skin had been worth it if that meant he got to spend a night with Dean.

The guard yells at them that their break is over and Castiel is pretty sure they didn’t give them the full ten minutes that they are supposed to. He has the strangest urge to ram the shovel in the back of the guards head but he suppresses the urge, barely.

“Count me in on the party.” Castiel mutters, watching as a wicked smile spread across Simon’s lips.

“You won’t regret it.”

Castiel just hoped those words rung true.

\--

The bass of the music vibrated all the way to the edge of the forest making Castiel shake his head. Being subtle is not one of Amy’s strong points but it’s not something he would ever dream of changing about her.

Sometimes he forgets that they are all still young and they should still enjoy the parties that are thrown. It’s hard to remember when every day is just a trial to take a step, but for tonight he’ll forget about all those things at least for a little while. He left Sam and Gabriel snoring in their bed and that’s where they’ll stay, hopefully, until they wake up in the morning.

He stops to say hello to the faces that stand out to him as he makes his way to the barn. It’s not hard to find considering there are neon lights flashing through the little cracks of the old wood. It makes Castiel excited that for once since he’s been dead he can enjoy a night without having to worry about anything really.

He makes his way into the swarm of dancing bodies, avoiding every thrusting hip to get to where Simon was. Every beat pounds through his body like a tiny earth quake but he finds it oddly relaxing and he starts to feel wound up muscles begin to fade.

“Cas!” Simon yells, swinging an arm around his shoulders. “I’m glad you could make it! Kieren and Amy are out back, and I’m sure they would love to see you but first how ‘bout a dance?”

Castiel laughed watching Simon turn towards him, his hips already swaying to the beat of the music. Simon grabbed him by the hips making him move instead of just standing there awkwardly. It didn’t take long before he finally let himself go, throwing his head back from time to time as he laughed and for a while it just made him feel human again.

It didn’t matter that his heart wasn’t beating or sweat wasn’t slipping down his face. He’s happy and he’s smiling and for right now his worries were like a far off storm cloud. Minutes turned to hours as he continued to dance, stepping outside when Kieren got stolen by his soulmate.

Fire crackled near the barn making the shadows dance of the forest dance around like little puppets. He walks past the shadows and into the woods. He remembers walking out of the party with Dean at times to walk into the woods. They would talk for hours or they would end up making out, usually a combination of both.

The moon lit his path as he continued to walk, illuminating the trees and plants that were already being touched with the night’s dew. He walks until he finds the one tree that he and Dean would sit under all night, a tiny laugh slipping past his lips when he found their names, carved into the trunk. They were a drunken mess that night but they somehow managed to use a knife and spell their names perfectly without injury.

Its cliché the way they did it with ‘Cas and Dean Forever’ type of thing but to them they had truly believed it. They laughed when they were sober enough to read it but they left it the way it was, and even after three years it’s still here.

Castiel traced the jagged marks letting himself get lost in the flood of memories. Maybe he should forget about Dean, let himself go until he finds someone else but his heart and mind both screamed at him. He could never forget about Dean and everything that they’ve been through. It was a stupid to even think that could be a possibility. He spent every waking moment thinking about the man and he doubts he’ll stop now.

“What are you doing out here?” a voice asked making Castiel feel like he jumped out of his own skin. He swung his body around only to be met by Dean who was decked out in his patrol gear. There’s no gun but that didn’t mean that Castiel didn’t become suspicious. He should be running right now, yelling to the others that Dean might come for them but he stays planted. Something tells him that he shouldn’t leave anyway.

“Doesn’t matter what I’m doing out here. What are you doing out here?” He cringed internally at his question because the answer was obvious.

“I’m not going to report the party if that’s what you’re thinking. The music is doing that all by itself. Kind of like old times huh?”

Castiel perks up a little at the tiny smile that fits on Dean’s lips. It seemed off, like it didn’t quite fit but at least Castiel knows he's not the only one who's been dwelling on the past. Dean’s still guarded, his shoulders back and his face pinched. He still doesn't trust Castiel but at least they were talking.

“Why aren’t you shooting up the barn? Shouldn’t you be so you can prove to the HVF that you’re capable of murder again?”

Dean flinched and Castiel felt a sense of satisfaction mixed in with some guilt. He knows that his hands aren’t clear of blood either. He did murder people just to make sure his body wasn’t going to dry up. Neither of them are innocent but it didn’t mean that Castiel had to throw it back in Dean’s face.

He opened up his mouth to apologize but Dean beat him to it.

“Look-Cas-my mind is fifty shades of fucked up. I don’t know what to believe anymore. After your kind ate my mom and dad all I could see was red, and I just wanted revenge. I couldn’t believe that you could be helped, but after you said all those things, I couldn’t kill you. I couldn’t kill the one person that still matters the most.”

Castiel sucked in a breath at those last few words. That was the last thing he expected to hear come out of Dean’s mouth and he’s not sure he even heard him correctly. Did Dean tell him that he still mattered or was that just his imagination playing tricks on him? He hoped not because that would just be cruel for his mind to do.

“I still matter to you?” he says in some sort of disbelief. They stood there in silence with only crickets singing their song in the background.

“Oh for fuck’s sake!” Dean yelled, stalking towards him in a way that made him uneasy. It didn’t look like he was going to pull a gun out, but that didn’t mean his words didn’t piss Dean off.

Except there was no gun, no feeling of a barrel being pressed to his forehead. There was only the feeling of lips over his and it took him a moment to realize that they were Dean’s lips. His body froze which isn’t what he was expecting it to do, and he doesn’t know how to respond now. Should he push Dean away or should he kiss back?

With shaky confidence Castiel touched Dean’s waist, grabbing at the leather jacket he wore keeping him in place as though he might bolt.

He can only feel the pressure of their lips moving not the sizzle of pleasure these types of kisses used to bring him, but Castiel doesn’t complain. This is more than he could have hoped for.

They drew back with shaky breaths, resting their foreheads together as their minds raced.

“Why?” It’s the only question Castiel can think to say at the time. “Why me? You should be putting a bullet in my brain instead of kissing me. What changed?”

Dean shrugged and for a minute Castiel didn’t think he would be getting a straight answer from him. It would be just like him to walk away without any explanation but Castiel doesn’t know if he could handle that this time. Not after what just happened.

“You’re different, Cas. You’ve always been different, but I can’t promise that everything will change. All I know if that I don’t want to lose you again. The first time was painful enough, a second time would send me over the edge.”

Castiel smiled, leaning in to kiss Dean again as a way to tell him that he understands. They have a lot of things they need to work out but he’s willing to see where it all goes. He’s hoping that it’ll last forever again like it’s supposed to but with everyone that’s happened they’ll need to take it slow for a while.

“I should get back to the party before they send a search party, and you should get back to patrolling.”

Dean nodded but he made no move to slip away. His mouth opened as if he needed to say something urgent, shutting it close not a second after. Disappointment coursed through Castiel but he doesn’t know what he has to be disappointed about. This wasn’t going to be how it was three years ago with smiles and laughter. With the years came tears and pain and Castiel is going to have to get used to the fact that his life wouldn’t be the same again.

Dean withdraws from his arms with reluctance and Castiel watches him go without another word. He wonders to himself if all of this was  some sick dream. If it was then he doesn’t want to wake up to a world full of white and grey again. He’d be satisfied with this part playing over and over until the end of time.

The walk back to the barn was a daze and the rest of the night passed with nothing more than the buzz of his thoughts and the laughter of his friends. No one asked where he had been and he didn’t bother to tell, keeping the secret to himself until he knows that what happened out there in the woods wasn’t something that should be written off as nothing more than a fluke.

He leaves the party when he can’t focus on anything else except for the feel of Dean’s lips on his. A smile split his face as the memory of the kiss replayed over and over in his mind. Dean’s touch had been rough but his words had been the exact opposite: soft and tender. There was no trace of the man Castiel has seen since he’s been here.

Dean’s words seem to have some certainty behind them, no trace of confusion or regret once they were spoke, but that didn’t mean he wouldn’t wake in the morning and regret everything. He could wake up and realize what happened was a mistake, and then he would resent Castiel even more. Maybe Dean's colors won’t come back either, giving him another reason to think tonight was a huge regret.

Castiel shook his head to get rid of the thoughts that buzzed around in his skull. He has no way of knowing until he sees the man again and that could be awhile. It’s no use trying to figure out everything now and besides he got to  talk to Dean tonight. The kiss had been unexpected but it had made his night much better.

Things were finally starting to look up for him. He can see the light at the end of the tunnel instead of grey shadows that obscured his view. He feel like can think a little clearer without his doubts grabbing at him for attention.

Castiel can deal with the backlash. He just hopes that Dean will be ready for it too when the time comes. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is not edited so any mistakes are my own. I wanted to get this out as soon as I was done with it since I've kept everyone waiting for so long! I've been super duper busy!
> 
> I'm on tumblr as writeitinred!

Grey light trickled in through Dean’s window, splashing silver light wherever it touched. He blinked at the intrusion, wincing at the burn it caused. They were heavy with the sleep they never caught last night and now he was receiving the consequences. Every time he closed his eyes some kind of fucked up nightmare would pop up, startling him awake. He can’t remember the last time he even got a good night’s sleep anyway.  

_Not since Castiel’s murder._

That’s right. He never could fall asleep properly after what he walked into that night. If there was a hell then he’d certainly seen it. One minute he’s laughing with his family and the next he’s staring at Cas’s lifeless body while his world had started to shatter.

The fire that ran through his veins that night almost scorched him. The need to find the sons of bitches who murdered his angel went over all logic, but in the end he had been held back by Gabriel. He screamed and he yelled, trying to get out of the man’s grip that night and when he finally did he ran. He ran until his legs gave out and then he pounded his fists against the ground.

The screams that had ripped out of his throat left it feeling raw, his broken sobs nothing more than a few wheezes. His whole world had been taken from him that night, and he had felt so lost. He had felt like there was nowhere for him to go and nowhere for him to turn. Sure, he had his family but they all had their colors, so how could they possibly understand what he was going through? They could see their soulmate every day, laughing and smiling, while he would have to wake up to countless nightmares.

From that night, everything about him had changed. He turned away from his family, a smile never gracing his lips. Nothing seemed lively to him anymore and he couldn’t stand it. Finally he just left until he thought he was able to function, and then when he did decide to come back the whole town of Roarton seemed to be under some kind of zombie attack.

He had no idea what was going on but when he found that his parents had been eaten alive, something inside of him just snapped. He practically became a murderer after that, a broken shell of his former self. He didn’t know which was from that and there had been so many times he wanted to just end everything. There were so many times when he had the barrel of his gun pointed at his head, finger on the trigger. He couldn’t do it. He wanted to, oh how he wanted to just have everything go blank so he just didn’t have to think about anything else, but he just couldn’t.

Maybe it was the thought that Cas was still out there that kept him alive. A hope that he could still see that smiling face again. Yet, when he did see Cas again he acted like a fuckin’ idiot. He almost killed the one thing that kept him somewhat sane over the years.

He was angry and frustrated, too many emotions going through his head to think properly. He didn’t even know who to believe anymore. Believe in the people who gave him orders or believe the person who saw through all of his defenses?

His decision had been made thought the second he told Cas to leave. He didn’t know why he did it but he knew it was somehow right. He hadn’t cared about the consequences but as long as Cas was alive he found himself taking the punishment with ease.

Dean moved from his bed, his body going through the motions of his morning routine. He grabbed his bottle of whiskey, pouring himself a glass as he let his mind wander to last night. In all honesty Dean chose to patrol the forest because he knew that whoever found Simon and the others wouldn’t hesitate to open fire.  He never expected Cas to be there, and he certainly didn’t expect to see him at the tree they marked. Cas probably thought that he didn’t see the ragged marks of their vow, but the memories that came with it seemed to be laced with guilt.

He wanted Cas to scream at him, punch him, call him names like he’s called their kind for years. Except that’s not what happened and it through Dean for a loop. He ended up giving a confession through the confusion of it all, but in the end he meant every word. He doesn’t want to lose Cas again, not when he just found him. The kiss had been a spur of the moment thing but it managed to erase all of his buzzing thoughts. He focused on Cas and only Cas and for the first time in a long time nothing else mattered.

A frantic knocking on his door made him jump, tearing him out of his thoughts. Who the hell would be here this early in the morning? He threw back the rest of his drink before walking to the door, looing through the peep hole. He let out a curse at the familiar mop of brown hair.

“Cas, what the hell are you doing here?” he hissed as he ripped the door open. He tugged on Cas’s wrist to bring him inside, making sure no one saw them before slamming the door closed. “How do you even know where I live?”

“I may have snooped through Sam’s files.” Cas mumbled, crossing his arms over his chest. “It doesn’t matter anyway. Something’s wrong.”

Something like panic shot through him. Did someone jump him on his way home last night? Was he hurt? He didn’t see any visible injuries that doesn’t mean he wasn’t hurt.

“I’m not hurt, but I don’t know what’s going on with me. This morning I woke up crying from my nightmares. That shouldn’t happen. I shouldn’t be crying, Dean.”

Dean wasn’t sure if he heard Cas right. He opened his mouth to speak, closing it when the words wouldn’t come out. Cas was dead, sort of, there was no way he should be crying.

“I’m sorry, what? Could you explain that again because I swear you just said that you cried? That’s friggin’ impossible Cas!”

The look that Cas gave him was not amused. He looked worried and even a little scared, and Dean couldn’t blame him. If what the man said was true then to have human emotions spring up on him like that would be terrifying. He pinched the bridge of his nosed with a sigh, trying to put his thoughts into order.

“Do you remember if anything happened yesterday that could have caused this?”

Cas shrugged, “Went through my day as normal, except for the party and meeting you in the forest.”

A silence fell over them, both trying to think of some plausible reason for this even until a noise of surprise fell out of Cas’s mouth.

“We kissed!” he exclaimed. “That’s the only explanation I can think of for this to be happening! We were soul mates so maybe the magic of it all is still there!”

Dean turned to pour himself another drink, throwing it back and letting himself concentrate on the burn of the alcohol. He knew Cas was waiting for an answer, could feel his eyes on him but didn’t he know how ridiculous that sounded? If a simple kiss was enough to fix this then why haven’t they been putting this type of cure to good use? It just didn’t make sense.

“You don’t believe me do you?”

It was more like a statement than a question, but Dean wasn’t about to lie. What Cas is implying was crazy. There was just no way that he could get a human emotion just from kissing. The urge to pour himself another drink was tempting but he forced himself to put his glass down.

“Can you expect me to believe it? This whole thing sounds ridiculous!”

A flash of hurt crossed Cas’s features and Dean silently cursed himself for it. He didn’t mean to hurt him but he seems to be doing a lot of that nowadays. He reached out to take one of Cas’s hands in his, giving it a gentle squeeze of reassurance. He offered up a smile hoping that it was enough to be able to calm Cas down.

“Come on, I need to take you home before Sam realizes you’re missing.”

It’d be risky but he didn’t want Cas to go out there alone. Not when there was a target on his back already. Since he didn’t finish the job someone would be back to do it for him. Dean’s heart clenches at the thought of someone hurting Cas and he shakes his head to get rid of the thought. No one was going to land a hand on his Cas. If they do then they might just find themselves with a bullet in their head.

Cas made to leave first but Dean pulled him back, shaking his head as confusion settled over his features. He opened up the door, peaking his head out to check for anyone he knew. He grabbed Cas’s hand once more when he saw that coast was clear, leading him out to the car.

He heard Cas’s breath hitch and for the first time Dean felt the corners of his mouth twitch up in what felt like a genuine smile. The man always had a fond appreciation for Dean’s Impala. There were some good memories when it came to having Cas in the Impala with him.

“Make sure you keep your head down,” Dean murmured as he got into his car. He could feel the guilt stirring within him, ready to spill over at any minute. “People out here won’t hesitate to shoot you between the eyes. It doesn’t matter if you’re in a car or not. Until it’s safe for you I can’t have you risking your life.”

Cas let out a sigh of relief and some of Dean’s guilt eased. It seemed to appease Cas enough to tuck his head down. The car roared to life and Dean could see the man relax at the sound of the familiar purr.

Everything seemed to be going alright. No one had seen him or Cas, but how was he going to drop the man off without being seen? There were too many neighbors and too many eyes for Cas to be dropped off at home. There were so many more chances that both of them could be seen.

“Drop me off at the back of Kieren’s house. I’m supposed to be there anyway and there will be less people who see you back there anyway.”

Dean gave a quick nod. He knew that Cas would be right but he couldn’t help the tension that slowly seeped back into his muscles. There were still chances of someone coming out of there house at the wrong time and Cas’s life would be endangered again.

He stops the car where Cas said to and now he could feel the awkward tension start to settle in. It reminds Dean of their first date. Both of them want to say something, opening their mouths just to close them again because the words they have might not seem right. They just sat their staring at each other until one of them had to crack.

Then those lips were on his and Dean was transported to those long summer nights when they would just park somewhere, Cas straddling his lap and fingers pulling at his hair. Hands would roam as they laughed at some untold joke, lips locked tight with flashes of tongue and teeth. No words would be spoken but their touch said it all the same. They were always better with touch, and now was no different.

Dean’s hands gripped at Cas’s hips as those perfect fingers tugged on his hair. There was a desperate edge to the kiss, like Cas was trying to put everything he had into it in case this was the last time he would see Dean. That just wouldn’t happen. Dean wouldn’t let it happen.

He kissed back with just as much desperation. It wasn’t of confirmation of Cas’s fear but a way of telling him that he wasn’t going to let him go anymore. He needed Cas now just as much as he needed Cas back then.

They broke away with a sigh, foreheads resting against each other as they both fought not to lean back in. Another kiss wouldn’t hurt but another kiss would turn into more and Dean would never want to leave. He barely wanted to leave now, not when he had Cas in his arms.

“Will I be able to see you again?” His voice was timid and Dean would have laughed if he didn’t hear the fear that lied beneath them.

“You couldn’t keep me away if you tried.”

The smile that lit up Cas’s face made Dean forget how to breathe. It was so beautiful in the way that it made everything in that moment seem okay. It made him forgot all of his troubles and without thinking he leaned in to capture Cas’s lips once more. An emotion he knew all too well swelled under his ribs and the words were at the tip of his tongue, screaming to come out.

He forced them back, knowing that it wasn’t the right time. If he was going to say them then all of the HVF shit had to pass. Cas had to be safe in order for the words slip out, so for now he’ll settle on kissing Cas a much as he could.

“I have to go.” Cas whispers against his lips, sliding off of Dean’s lap. It was tempting to grab him, to make sure that he never left his sight again and he squeezed his hands into fists to keep himself at bay. If someone were to find them here then they both wouldn’t make it out alive and no amount of pleading would save their lives.

“I’ll give you a call later.”

Dean didn’t question how that would happen. If Cas was able to find his house this morning then he’ll find his number too. He watches Cas leave, making sure that he was in Kieren’s house before taking off. He was late for work but he didn’t care in the slightest. He’d be late everyday if it meant that he could kiss Cas like that. Hell, he’d be late everyday if it meant he could just hold the man.

Pulling up to Ellen and Bobby’s bar he internally groaned at the fact that Rick and Crowley were the ones that were already waiting for him. It couldn’t have been any of the other members? It had to be the two that he would rather see only once a year. Rick wasn’t that bad but Crowley? He’d end that man without any hesitation.

“Well look who it is,” Crowley whistled as Dean got out of his car. “The town joke.”

Dean bit the inside of his cheek as he counted to ten in his head. He wouldn’t murder anyone today. That’s just what he had to keep telling himself but he could already feel his blood start to simmer at being near the infuriating pair.

“Save any Rotters lately?” Rick joked, sending his blood boiling. His hands curled into fists at his side as he opened his mouth to retort.

“If I recall correctly you could have shot Kieren in the head by the time I got Cas out of his house. Why didn’t you?”

He watched as Rick’s eyes narrowed, his smile turning into a scowl. Dean must have hit a nerve with that one. The man didn’t like to be embarrassed and if there was any soft spot Rick had it was Kieren.

“Maybe it was because you know he killed himself over you because he thought you were dead. Which you are by the way. The stitches and the bluish tinge to your skin are kind to ignore. So instead of calling people out for being weak you should take a good long look at yourself.”

Rick lunged at him, his resolve snapping as Dean was slammed against the side of his car. He hissed in pain as the side mirror dug into his back, hearing the crack of the glass starting to shatter.

“I am not fucking one of them!” Rick screamed, raising his fist and bringing it down on Dean’s jaw. There was a metallic taste starting to flood his mouth as his head snapped to the side. Stars exploded across his vision but before Rick could get another punch in he grabbed a fistful of Rick’s shirt, pushing him back until he could slam him up against the bar.

Rick’s head hit the brick building with a sickening thud but Dean couldn’t bring himself to care. The pain that pulsed through his jaw was nothing compared to the hurt this man would soon feel.

“Why don’t you just fucking accept it? You’re a fucking Rotter and nothing you do will change the fact that you’re dead. You can’t eat and you can’t drink without puking everywhere and yet you still try! It’s fucking disgusting!”

Dean pulled back his fist to connect it with the side of Rick’s head. He ignored Crowley’s cry of alarm, knowing that he wouldn’t even think of interfering now. Not if he didn’t want to end up in the same situation.

“The only reason no one says anything is because they are scared of what your daddy might do! Well guess what? I’m not, you son of a bitch!”

Rick was begging him to stop but he couldn’t. This felt too good to stop. He raised his fist to deal another blow but a hand wrapped around his wrist before he could deal the final blow. He whipped his head around with a growl, his eyes widening at the sight of Bobby.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing boy?” Bobby snapped, giving his wrist a rough shake. He let go of Rick’s shirt, hearing his body slide down the side of the building. Dean was practically shaking with all of the frustration and anger that had built up inside him over the years. Rick deserved every inch of the beating he got and Dean wouldn’t take back a second of it.

“Get in the bar. Now.”

Dean ripped his wrist out of Bobby’s hand, turning to glare at Rick who was cowering to try and get away from him.

“Don’t think you can get away with this.” Rick stuttered and Dean smiled at the attempt to act tough. He took a step forward but Crowley and Bobby were in his way before he could even reach down.

“Tell your Dad I quit.”

“Dean.”

It was the only warning he was going to get and he put his hands up in the air as if he was surrendering. He made his way into the bar smelling the familiar scent of smoke and alcohol. It brought him back to when he was younger and his father would take Sam and him just so they could see Aunt Ellen and Uncle Bobby.

That seemed like ages ago and Dean wished he could return to that time where everything was simple. He could smile and not have to worry about anything for a while.

He didn’t deserve to go back to comfortable times though. Not after all that’s happened. There wasn’t a comfortable life waiting for him after all the blood he has spilled. He doesn’t even have the right to tell Cas that he loves him, but damn does he want to.

“Well don’t you look like shit?” Ellen hollered, placing a beer in front of him. He gave her a small smile as he took a sip, letting the alcohol calm some of his nerves. His body is starting to shake as the anger starts to ebb away. What the hell did he just do? He just essentially put his life on the line because he let his emotions get the better of him.

Dean groaned, running his fingers through his hair and giving a short tug. He just put his whole family’s life on the line as well. If Rick’s father decides that Dean needs to pay he’ll come after the one thing he knows will hurt him.

“Care to explain why you look like you’re about five seconds away from a panic attack?” Ellen asked, her voice low as to not attract any attention.

“It’s because this idjit thought it would be a great idea to get into a fight with Rick outside our bar. Decided it would be a great idea to point out of the fact that he’s a zombie, now he’s wondering if he’s family is going to be okay.”

Dean wanted to glare, could feel the anger start to rise again but it wasn’t at Bobby. It was at himself. He was stupid for even throwing a punch, knowing that Rick would twist the story around to make it seem like he was the one that started the assault.

Did he feel bad about what he did? No. He only felt bad that he didn’t kill the bastard. Now he had to worry if his family was going to make it until the end of the week. He didn’t know how he was going to keep them safe. If he went to their house right now Sam would just kick him out before he even got a word in.

“What are you going to do about this Dean? You’re going to have to grovel.”

Dean froze at Ellen’s words and if there was any trace of joking he couldn’t find any. She really expected him to get on his knees and beg for Rick’s forgiveness. Like hell that was going to happen. He would do anything else except for that.

“You’re kidding me right? You expect me to go to him and beg forgiveness just because I pointed out the friggin’ truth? He’s a Rotter man! It’s not that hard for anyone to figure out and you expect me to just take his hypocrisy just because I need to protect my family? No fucking way. He can take his status and shove it up his ass.”

He’s shouting now but he can’t find it in him to care. If people didn’t know that Rick was a Rotter by now then they need to get their eyes checked. It’s not like they didn’t notice that Rick’s father was delusional by thinking that no one would notice all that scars that marked Rick’s skin. He would protect his family without begging for forgiveness and that was that.

“I won’t tell you how to go about this but just know that I think you’re a dumbass for not trying to make up with Rick. It could come back to bite you in the ass.”

Dean scoffs at Bobby’s words. He tries to seem that the words don’t affect him but he couldn’t help the gnawing anxiety that was creeping up. Not crawling back would definitely come and bite him in the ass but how bad could it end up being? His stomach sunk at the realization that it could possibly end up being awful for everyone but he wasn’t going to let it show.

“Right, well, thanks for the beer. I’m going to go back to my home and live my life as a free man. Have a great day. Give Jo my regards.”

He paid for his beer, ignoring Ellen’s protest that he should stay and figure this all out. He doesn’t want to just sit and figure it all out because even if he does everything will end up being shit anyway. There’s nothing more he can do but just wait for everything to go downhill. If there is anything he needs to focus on it needs to be how to protect his family.

Rick knows what his weak spots are and he’ll do everything in his power to put him on his knees. He royally fucked up today but he didn’t regret anything. Rick deserved every punch that Dean gave and by the looks of the dent in his car, Rick deserved much more than that.

He slid into his car with a growl, slamming his door shut. He could feel the anger start to rise again. He took a deep breath to calm down, but that wouldn’t fix it. No, he needed some more alcohol and a nap.

\--

There’s this ringing. Dean can’t pinpoint where it’s coming from but it’s interrupting his sleep. By now nightfall had settled in and for the first time in forever he feels tired enough to sleep for weeks, but this ringing was keeping him from doing just that.  With a sigh of frustration Dean gets up, swinging his legs around the side of the bed. His phone was lighting up with Sam’s name coming across the screen.

Why would Sam be calling him? They haven’t talked since he dragged Cas out of their home, and he doubts it’s a call to make up. With a sigh he answered.

“Hey Sammy, what’s up?”

“Please tell me it’s true?” The question came out of Sam’s mouth so fast that Dean wasn’t sure he heard his brother correctly.

“Please tell you that what is true?”

He could practically hear Sam’s bitch face through the phone. He really needs his brother to explain this to him because he didn’t think news traveled that fast.

Shit, it’s a small town. Of course it travels fast.

“Bobby told me you quit the HVF after you beat the shit out of Rick. It is true?”

Dean should have known that Bobby would have told Sam right away. He told Sam everything he did. It was news that his brother would love to hear. Judging by the way his voice trembled as each word came out, Dean would have to say that this was probably the best thing he has heard in a while.

“It’s true.”

There’s a curl of anger that sweeps through his stomach at Sam’s sigh of relief but he quickly squashes it. He has no right to be furious, not when he caused so much terror for his family. Instead he laughs. It’s forced but he makes it believable.

“Do you want to come over and talk?” He sounds timid, like he could clearly hear the fury that was underlining everything.

“You’re not going to beat me are you? This isn’t some kind of trap?”

Though Dean wouldn’t blame his brother if it was. After everything he put the man through, a beating would be what he truly deserved.

“No,” Sam laughed, actually laughed, and it was such a beautiful sound to hear again that Dean’s lips quirked up in a smile of his own. “We just need to hash things out, especially if you’re seeing Cas again.”

Dean almost choked on his own spit. He could hear the smug taunt radiating off those words but how in the hell did he know already? It’s only been a friggin’ day.

“Oh come on, Dean. It’s not that hard to notice. Cas’s mood has improved drastically since he’s been here. There’s only one thing that can really put a smile on his face and that, my brother, is you. Anyway, I’ll see you when you get here.”

Dean gripped the bridge of his nose as he hung up. So much for keeping everything a secret but he can’t really blame Cas. He’d be the same way if didn’t have the threat of being shot hanging over his head. He’s already in deep shit for today and if any of the HVF found out he’s with the enemy he’ll be dead for sure, and no amount of begging will save his of Cas’s life. As long as a small amount of people know right now, everything will be okay. If the whole town knew then there would definitely be trouble.

He scrubbed at his face to wipe away the last traces of sleep wincing at the warning sting of his bruised jaw. It slowed into a pulsing throb but he ignored it as he got up from the bed. His whole body ached at the slightest movement, reminding him of the torment he put his body through every day. He’s only twenty-one and yet he feels like he’s eighty with the way his body acted?

When did he grow up so fast? He should be out partying, living the life that was wasted on the HVF. Instead he’s here with the knowledge that monsters lurked in the shadows, their teeth ready posed to drag everything he has ever loved away from him.

With a frustrated sigh he picked up his keys and coat, knowing that this was going to be one long night.

\--

Dean sat in the kitchen, the tension thick in the air as he played with the newly placed furniture.

“I see you upgraded.” Dean joked, clearing his throat when Gabriel sent him a nasty glare. Jokes were apparently not appreciated tonight. Sam offered him a small smile but it was all he was going to receive for his attempt of easing the uneasy atmosphere. Cas was in his room and Dean really wished he wasn’t. It would somehow make everything easier if he had the man by his side.

“What changed?” Sam prompted. “I mean you’ve been in the HVF for so many years without even a consideration of quitting, so why now?”

Dean explained everything he could, mostly about Cas. If he couldn’t kill Cas, how could he kill someone else?

“He’s someone I can’t lose, Sammy. Being in the HVF meant that I wouldn’t be able to see him, and if anyone caught us together it would mean the end of both of our lives. He was my everything back then and he’s my everything now even though—even though it took almost killing him to see that.”

There was no denying that he meant every word but at the same time he was scared at how fast he was adjusting to have Cas back in his life. Love really needed to know its boundaries. 

“Have you told Cas that you love him yet?” Gabriel asked, his voice soft.

“No.”

It was the only answer they were going to get, but it spoke volumes. Sam opened his mouth to protest but Dean held a hand up to silence him. He just wasn’t someone who deserved to be loved anymore. He didn’t deserve anyone’s love, not after everything he’s done to them.

“So what’s going to happen now? Do we need to prepare to for an attack?”

Dean snorted but he was grateful for the topic change.

“You make it sound like we have a war or something, but yes. You could possibly be in danger and if I know them well enough, they’ll attack soon.”

“Great, so what are we supposed to do?” Gabriel exclaimed. “We can’t just take off work. We’re already in enough crap as it is, and we have no one to watch Cas in case someone does break in. Shit, can’t you just apologize?”

Dean glowered at the man, knowing that if looks could kill Gabriel wouldn’t have dropped. Why did everyone think that he needed to apologize? Were people that scared of someone that they would just drop to their knees and beg for forgiveness? That would not be him. The HVF had been yanking him around for too long and he’s not going to let them do it much longer. Gabriel threw his hands up in mock surrender and it was the closest thing to an apology he was going to get.

“Dean could stay here. I mean he doesn’t have much to do anymore, and unless he’s going to work at the bar then he’ll have time to watch Cas. Plus it might be beneficial for both of them.”

Gabriel bit his lip in consideration, “Why don’t you stay for the night? It could just be a trial run for now, but I’d rather be safe than sorry if they decide to attack tonight.”

He did have a point. It would basically be life or death for them all and any advantage would be greatly appreciated.

“I’ll stay and if it’ll make you feel more comfortable I’ll stay on the couch.”

The awkward silence fell over them, not knowing where to go now that they’ve come to an agreement. Dean didn’t expect it go so well and now he’s left fidgeting. His nerves were on edge and he didn’t know when things were going to blow up in his face.

“Right, well, we have a spare bedroom next to ours we’ll let you use.” Sam began, getting up from his chair. “I’ll go and get it set up. Feel free to look around and visit with Cas. Gabriel will you come with me?”

It looked like the man couldn’t get out of the chair faster, leaving Dean alone to wallow in the awkwardness of the situation. How could they just take him in like he didn’t try to murder Cas? Did they trust that easily again, or were they going to keep close tabs on him until they knew he could be trusted? It would be the reasonable thing to do.

With a shake of his head he got up from his chair. He might has well go visit Cas if he’s here. It’s not like they had to talk in secret anymore. Flashes of the last time he stepped foot in this house flashed through his mind, making him cringe. He can still here the crunch of Sam’s nose under his fist, the way his brother cried out in pain when his weight cracked the table.

He walked down Cas’s hallway remembering how he had walked in here with intention of killing a threat. A threat that had looked at him with such terror that it almost made Dean stumble. He sees that the door has been replaced and he’s grateful that he’s spared a few seconds of guilt. Once he opens up the door it won’t take long for that guilt to creep on him like some snake looking for its prey.

He gives the door a couple of timid knocks, suddenly feeling anxious and unable to squash down all the butterflies that insisted on thrashing around in his stomach. He shouldn’t be nervous, it’s just Cas that’s behind the door and it’s not like they didn’t know each other so these silly little butterflies were being irrational.

The door opened and Dean didn’t know what to expect but it wasn’t Cas dressed in oversized pajamas that made Dean fight back a smile. By the look of it they were Sam’s old hand-me-downs but they still didn’t fit Cas’s frame.

“I would have changed if I knew you were going to laugh at me.” Cas glowered, making Dean chuckle. The man looked like he was three seconds away from slamming the door in his face but he couldn’t help it. If there was any other word he could use to describe this situation he would use it, but cute was the only way to describe it.

“I’m sorry but can I come in? I won’t laugh at you. Promise.”

The smaller man nodded, moving on to the side to let Dean through. It was a bland room, no pictures or anything, and it kind of reminded him of Cas’s old room when he would occasionally sneak in. It didn’t fit Cas at all.

“Is your jaw okay?” Cas asked softly, coming around the side to face him. He reached his hand out and Dean had to stop himself from flinching away as those fingers softly traced the outside of the bruise. Dean reached up to grab his wrist, pulling it away to intertwine their fingers together.

“I’ll be fine. If you think this is bad you should see Rick.” He said it as a joke but from the look on Cas’s face he didn’t get the amusement.

“It could have been much worse. You can’t just go and pick fights, especially if it could put people in danger.”

Fury started to run through his veins and the emotion he tried to push back crept slowly back in. Did Cas think that he did this to purposely put his family in danger? If he did that would be absurd.

“The bastard got what was coming to him and that’s final. If they come then they come and we deal with them the best we can. I won’t let them hurt you anymore.”

“You forget that you were one of those people once.”  

Dean flinched, taking a step back and letting their fingers untangle. The remark stung and he bites the inside of his cheek to keep from retorting. If he does then he’ll say something he’ll regret. He swallows down the hurt and the anger that threatened to make itself known in his voice.

“Right, well at least I’m trying to change.”

It was whispered, the best he could do so the words wouldn’t crack. The room turned silent, tension building up with every second that passed. He doesn’t know what to say now and he can see that Cas doesn’t either as he shifts his weight from foot to foot.

“I just thought I’d see how you were doing before I went to sleep. Have a nice night, Cas.”

Cas opens his mouth to say something but Dean turns his back before the words can even come out. It’ll save him the trouble of having to apologize when he really wouldn’t mean the words. It made Dean wish for the relationship they had before everything went to shit. They argued, yes, but they never did this. They never walked out on each other. They talked things out until everything was made clear.

He made his way to the spare bedroom knowing that he would not get any sleep tonight. He would be up at every noise, making sure that no one was trying to get in. After that it wouldn’t be just the noises that kept him awake, it would be the nightmares too. He wonders if the rest of them are going to get any sleep but he thinks that he already knows that answer. Sam is going to be up with him which meant that Gabriel would be too. He hopes that Cas can at least have a good night’s rest.

There’s a knock on the door frame and he knows before turning that it’s Cas. He’s rubbing at his arm and looking anywhere but at him. He suppresses the smile that wants to show, trying to make his features look cold and distant. It wasn’t that hard since the words stung.

“That wasn’t fair of me to say and I’m sorry.” Cas mumbled.

“You’re not sorry though.”

Cas bit his lip and Dean knew he was right at that moment. No one says those kind of things without some meaning behind them. It meant that Cas doesn’t trust him enough still. He thinks that he’ll turn his back on his family at any minute but it’s not like Dean has done anything to win their trust back. He’s quit the HVF but it doesn’t mean much. People quit all the time but end up coming back. It’s something Dean has witnessed numerous time. He won’t be one of them though. He will not come crawling back like some desperate person looking for their next fix.

“Do—Do you mind if I maybe sleep in here? I know I don’t have the right to ask you after what I’ve said, but it might help with my nightmares.”

Right. Nightmares. It was foolish of Dean to think that Cas wouldn’t have any nightmares after what he has been through. A part of him wants to say no but the other part wants to desperately say yes. That part wants to know what it feels like to have Cas in his arms again. He doesn’t think it’ll feel any different but things could have changed over the years. So, he finds himself saying yes and that bashful smile that Cas does makes Dean’s heart race a little faster. He holds back his words of love that threaten to slip out again but he’s thinking them.

“Yeah. That’s fine. Your brother might have a problem with it though.”

It’s meant as a joke but they both know that if Gabriel wanted to he could throw Dean out of his house without a second thought. He needs Dean right now but that didn’t mean he would be so nice after all of this is all said and done.

Cas closes the door behind him and walks towards Dean, hands behind his back with an innocent look on his face. He wasn’t here for just sleep and Dean finds himself more than okay with that. There’s still a bit of hesitation that he felt about doing more than just kissing, but when he has the man in his arms logic just seems to go.

“I don’t think my brother will have a problem with it as long as we stay quiet.”

He’s so close now and their lips are so close. All he has to do is lean in and just _take_ but he holds himself back. Instead he places his hands on Cas’s hips, tugging him closer and kissing the sides of his mouth.

“You were always a screamer.”

“Wanna find out if I still am?”

The words sent a wave of pleasure straight down to his cock and he’s find it really hard to keep himself in check. Do zombies even get boners? Do they even like sex? Their functions aren’t supposed to work but could they still have sex and feel pleasure?

With an experimental roll of his hips, he brushed them against Cas’s crotch. Dean’s eyes widened at the sound of the moan that came out of Cas’s mouth. Well, that answers all of his questions.

“Fuck, Cas that was borderline pornographic.”

The look that Cas gave him made the rest of his logic jump out the window. It was full of heat and want, something that Dean couldn’t resist even if he wanted to. There was nothing timid about him at this point and it makes Dean excited. He feels a flame that starts to ignite in the pit of his stomach, burning brighter and brighter every day. It makes him squirm because he’s not used to this feeling anymore. He’s not used to his heart pounding against or the way his palms are starting to sweat. He’s not used to his body acting like it did three years ago when he first laid eyes on his blue eyed angel.

He finds himself wanting to get addicted to this feeling, surrounded by warmth instead of all this self-doubt and negativity. He took one hand off of Cas’s hips to cup the side of his neck, dragging his thumb over Cas’s jaw.

“I thought you wanted to hear my scream?” His words are nothing more than a whisper but he doesn’t do anything to stop Dean’s movements.

“There’s still plenty of time for that. Though we probably shouldn’t do anything tonight seeing as though you guys might be attacked.”

Cas hummed as he nuzzled into his touch and Dean forgot how much the man could resemble a cat. He always used to purr if his hair was stroked and Dean would always do it if Cas was upset or having an anxiety attack.

“They aren’t going to attack tonight,” he says the words with such conviction that Dean stops his movement, only starting back up when Cas whines at him. “They know they will lose if they attack tonight. Think about it Dean. They’ll wait until I’m alone and get me out of the way before they decide to go after Sam and Gabriel. They know that killing me first will destroy you.”

 _Son of a bitch,_ Dean thought as a sense of dread filled his mind. _He’s right._

“Well then consider me as your full-time bodyguard because I won’t be letting you out of my sight. I won’t let anyone take you away from me again.”

Cas looks a little aggravated at his words and opens his mouth to say something, probably about how he doesn’t need protecting, but Dean leans down to kiss him.

“You know you can’t just shut me up with a kiss.” Cas mumbles against Dean’s lips, reaching up to run his fingers through the man’s short hair. Dean doesn’t say anything but he smiles as he nips at Cas’s lower lip and slipping his tongue in. He can hear his brain telling him that this was a bad idea. He should tell Cas to go to his room and they can just take things slow but he finds himself pushing reason away. 

“I want you.” Cas moans and Dean doesn’t have it in him to say no.

\--

When Dean wakes up again it’s morning and he doesn’t remember a time when he slept all through the night. He doesn’t remember ever waking up this refreshed, but he does remember falling asleep with Cas last night who seems to be missing at this point and time. He pushes back the fear that threatens to rise. It’s irrational and stupid of him to think that Cas would just run off without telling someone first. He could just have gone to the kitchen or something and it’s easy enough to believe that but when Sam busts into the room looking like a crazed animal, he knows that something is wrong.

“Is Cas in here with you?”

“Unless he’s hiding under the bed, no. He’s not in the kitchen?”

The look that Sam sent him gave him everything he needed to know and the fear that he pushed away came back full force. He jumped out of his bed to pull on the clothes, ignoring the quick smug look his brother threw his way. They would have time to talk about it later once they found Cas, but until then they couldn’t afford any distractions. The words that Cas had said to him last night kept playing in his mind and it made his feet move a little faster. If Rick and the others killed him then it would all be over. Dean wouldn’t know how to live anymore. Losing him the first time nearly killed him and he knows that losing him a second time would send him over the edge.

He pulls his shoes on not even bothering with the laces as he rushes out the door. He vaguely hears his brother and Gabriel saying his name but he doesn’t stop to listen. He won’t stop until he knows that Cas is safe. He won’t let today become another nightmare.

“Split up! We can search more ground that way!”

It’s the only words he says before he’s running to the direction of the Simon’s abandoned barn. It’s the only place he can think of right now that Cas could be. He’s hoping, desperately hoping, that no one saw him go in that direction and followed him. He knows that Cas can defend himself but what if that person has a gun or some other type of weapon? He would be defenseless.

The realization makes him run faster, trying to think of anything else than his burning lungs. He thinks of how he just might beat Cas himself when he finds him and he thinks that maybe he’ll skip the beating and just kiss him and make sure he’s not hurt.

“Cas!” he calls when he reaches the edge of the forest. He doesn’t receive a response but he keeps shouting the man’s name as he goes deeper into the forest. He stops for a moment to listen to his surroundings. It’s a little too silent for Dean’s liking. There’s not even the flutter of a bird’s wings or little squeaks from ground animals. It makes his skin crawl and sets him on edge. Even at night this forest has some type of noise and for it to sit this still makes the warning bells in his mind go off.

He moves as silently as he can, though he feels like it’s an impossible task. His footsteps sound like a gunshots every time he steps on a leaf, and when he snaps a twig in half he jumps. He stops again and this time it feels like his head is reeling with all the thoughts about what could happen. He feels absolutely ridiculous for being so skittish but he can't help it.

“Cas?”

There’s only silence. He’s probably just on edge because of the threats that are out there but he knows that isn’t the case. His instincts have always been right and he’s not going to stop listening to them now. He spots the barn only a few feet away and there’s a part of him that hesitates. He pats his pockets to find the familiar bump of his cell phone, shooting a quick text to his brother. If something happened, at least Sam would know where he was.

He makes his way to the barn, trying to keep his footsteps light. His pulse pounded in his ears and he regrets leaving his gun at his house when he left for Sam’s. It would make him feel a little safer knowing he had some type of weapon to protect himself with.

He presses against the door, hearing it creak and groan under the pressure. He flinched at the noise knowing that any chance of being stealthy was long gone after this. He hears a click of a gun and he barely has time to dodge before a bullet is fired at his head.

"Dean," a sultry voice purred. "How nice of you to show up. I was hoping that the first bullet would hit its mark, but maybe the second one will."

"Stop!" Cas screams and Dean switches his gaze for a second to see the man standing behind Crowley. He notices with a sense of relief that he looks uninjured but he can tell he’s anxious about something. He looks a little pale and if Dean looks close enough he can see Cas’s erratic pulse.

His eye’s widen as he realizes why Cas ran away this morning. He must have freaked and wanted somewhere he could think but Crowley must have been waiting, just waiting, until one of them was alone.

“Why should I stop? Dogs who can’t obey should be put down. Dogs who _bite_ definitely need to be put down. In fact why don’t you join him?”

Crowley turns to grab Cas’s wrist, tugging until he can push the man at Dean.

“I’m sorry Dean,” Cas whispers, grappling at his neck and face. There was the familiar shock and electricity that Dean felt those three years ago. He feels the warmth those hands can provide and he almost closes his eyes to cherish it but he forces them to stay open. “I was just so scared and I didn’t know what to do”

“Hey, it’s okay. I would be scared too.”

He wants to say so much more but if he did he would giving away information that Crowley could use at his disposal, and Dean wouldn’t do that.

They both jerked at the sound of a phone going off and at first Dean thinks it’s his phone for a second until he heard Crowley’s voice, growling and irritated.

“What do you want? Yes, I have him. I also have Squirrel. No, Moose isn’t anywhere in sight.”

There’s a pause and Dean can see a sliver of hope of getting out of this situation. It’s narrow and he knows that the conversation is almost over. If he can knock the gun out of Crowley’s hand then they can both run. It won’t take him long to catch up but his surprise will give them time to run. It’s not a very thought out plan but he doesn’t have time to think about it. If they didn’t act now they would both be dead.

“When I say run, run like hell.” He doesn’t hear Cas’s protest because he’s already running towards Crowley.

Dean can’t think of any point in his life where things seemed to play in slow motion. It seems like hours for Crowley to put the gun up, and it felt like years before the bullet found its mark. Searing pain ripped through his body but he manages to knock Crowley off his feet. He doesn’t know where the bullet hit but he does know that he can hear the sick crunch of Crowley’s head hitting the floor. He doesn’t know what clatters to the ground but he doesn’t wait to find out.

Dean scrambles off the man, grabbing Cas’s hand as he began to run. He runs until he feels like he’s seeing the whole fucking galaxy. His head feels fuzzy and realizes he’s losing too much blood. He trips over a root and stumbles until he falls on his knees.

“Fucking great,” Dean mumbles and coughs. His mouth tastes like rust and with a groan he falls onto his back. “For a piece of shit, the fucker has great aim.”

“Hey, don’t close your eyes. We need to keep going. Crowley is going to come after us if he hasn’t started already.”

He grabs at Cas’s hands, feeling the thudding pulse under his fingertips. His touch is so warm and inviting and Dean just feels so ecstatic for someone who is bleeding to death. He doesn’t know how Cas turned human but he doesn’t care. He finally has a chance to live his life, to _leave_ this place and better his life.

“If he comes after us then you’ll already be gone. I need you to run. Leave this town and make a better life for yourself. One where you won’t have to worry about someone trying to kill you every day, and maybe there’s a double standard to this whole soulmate thing. You’ll get your colors back and you can be happy.”

“Don’t you dare pull this bullshit on me! You’re not going to die and we’ll find some way to get our colors back, a-and I’ll go back to saying how beautiful your eyes are. I’m human now so our colors can’t be far behind.”

Dean shakes his head but doesn’t say anything. He couldn’t move now even if he wanted to. The pain was becoming too much. It was kind of fitting for him to go this way though. He’s shot so many people, watched them bleed out and saw the life leave their eyes. It’s only natural for karma to come around and bite him in the ass.

“I-I need you to know something,” Dean gasped out, the blood in his throat making him choke on his words. “I didn’t want to say this before, but I don’t want to die without you knowing. I love you. I love you so much.”

If he does live through this then he’s never going to hear the end of how he sounds like some chick flick. Though he doesn’t think he’ll get to hear the endless teasing by the way everything starts to fade away. He can hear his name being called and he thinks it doesn’t sound like Cas but he can’t really be sure. His vision is fading and he’s sure he won’t live more than a few more breaths.

“Please Dean. Please don’t die.”

It sounds like some type of prayer spewing from someone’s mouth, but if there really is a God he’s not listening. Because everything already faded to black.

\--

There’s a beeping noise. It’s so loud and it makes Dean wonder if he woke up in some type of hell. One where he has to live with this screeching all day long. He groans and tries to cover his ears but he’s met with only pain at the movement. So he’s in a hell where he has to hear this screeching and he can’t block out the noise? This is just wonderful.

“Dean? Are you awake? Gabriel! He’s awake!”

“Cas?” He asks as he cracks an eye open. The stark whiteness of the room nearly blinds him and he closes his eyes to block it out—and wait a minute? Did he just see white? His eyes shoot open and instead of white he’s met with blue. He’s met with the most beautiful blue he’s ever seen and he doesn’t know how this is possible because he’s supposed to be dead.

“Did I die and go to heaven?” He flinches at the cliché line but he means it. He shouldn’t be seeing colors if he’s alive. Seeing colors could only mean one thing, that he’s dead.

“No. You’re not dead. I mean you did die on the operating table but they somehow brought you back to life.”

He wanted to say that Cas is lying but the scent of antiseptic hits his nose and he immediately knows that he’s alive. It’s hard for him to believe seeing as though he was literally bleeding to death on the forest floor only to wake up to the see the color of Cas’s eyes again.

“How—how am I seeing colors again?” His voice is raspy and he wants to sit up but the pain in his side is preventing that from happening. “Was it because I died? Can you see them too?”

Cas giggles, actually fucking giggles, at this situation, “I’m not sure why you can see them but maybe when you died the whole soulmate rules got reset. I can see them too.”

Dean sighs in relief. Seeing all of these different colors after three years of black and white is strange to him and it’ll probably take him a while to adjust. As long as he gets to see his favorite shade of blue every day, Dean’s sure he’ll be able to manage.

“Dean I…”

“Hello there Dean! How ya feeling?” Gabriel interrupts, busting into the room like he owns the place. Dean sometimes forgets that the man was actually a doctor and not an overgrown five year old.

“Awful. How am I even alive?”

Gabriel shrugs as he rights some things down, “That is a great question actually because I don’t have the answer for you. The bullet went in through you left side but the bullet seemed to zig-zag and ended up shattering your clavicle. You lost a lot of blood just from the entry wound and we can be thankful that the bullet only broke your bone instead of an exit wound. You wouldn’t have lived if that was the case.” 

No wonder he was in so much pain. He didn’t get time to examine what type of gun he had but whatever Crowley used had meant to kill. He lived on some kind of miracle and he makes a mental note to himself to start going to church more often.

“It was touch and go for a while, and I honestly didn’t think you wouldn’t make it. Sam will be happy to say ‘I told you so’, but he’s not here at the moment to do so. I sent him home to get a few hours of rest, something that you should be doing.”

Dean waved him off, “I’ve gotten enough rest to last me a few years. What happened to Crowley and all of them? Are they still out there?” Gabriel shakes his head and there’s something in his expression that makes him curious.

“Crowley was arrested and Rick was…he was murdered by his father. The man ended up taking his own life because of the guilt he felt.”

Dean turns to look at Cas wondering what the man was doing here then. He should be with Kieren to make sure he was alright.

“Don’t be an idiot, Dean,” Cas chastised. “I already went over there. Kieren’s doing alright as far as I can tell and he has Simon. You think I’m really going to leave you alone after all that’s happened?”

Dean watches as Gabriel leaves and he kind of wishes that he would stay. At least he would be able to avoid the awkward conversation that he knows is coming. He can see that Cas is anxious to say anything by the way he’s picking at his sleeve and he’s avoiding his gaze now.

“Did you mean it when you said you loved me?” The words are so quiet that Dean doesn’t think he heard them at all. “Did you really mean it or was it just a spur of the moment type of thing? Were you even planning to say it all?”

Dean struggles to sit up, batting Cas’s hands away when he tried to push him back down. Sitting up was better for him right now and if he’s being completely honest he wants to examine all the colors he’s been missing. He forgot how beautiful and fragile they can be, even if he’s looking at mostly white in the hospital.

“I was hoping that the whole soul mate thing had different rules. I thought that maybe you’d wake up one day and realize that there’s someone better for you out there because honestly Cas? There’s someone out there that is way better than me. They could give you everything you need. I love you but I want you to be happy and you might not be able to do that if you’re with me.”

He’s met with silence as Cas goes over his words and now he’s the one picking at imaginary lint. Dean would understand if he wanted someone else. He would just hope that whoever ended up with Cas will give him the absolute world.

“I don’t think that’s how it works Dean and even if it could work like that I wouldn’t leave you. I’d also really appreciate it if people would stop telling me would be better for me. Only I know that and leaving you is definitely not better for me, so if you could just not bring up leaving me ever again that’d be wonderful. By the way, I love you too.”

Dean can’t help the smile that spreads over his lips and it still feels so foreign and weird to him that he can smile again. He has a feeling he’ll be getting used to it again soon. Especially with Cas.

“Then how about this? When I’m able to get out of here we’ll move away from here. Get a fresh start and you can have your bee farm and I’ll open my own garage. You can pick flowers and describe the colors as you see them because you know that blue is the only color I care about. We don’t have to worry about anyone killing each other. The only thing we will have to worry about is the petty little arguments we’ll have. If this is what you—“

Dean’s interrupted by a pair of warm lips covering his own. It’s not fair that Cas can card his fingers through his hair and he can’t even lift his arms to touch. Not being able to move would definitely put a damper on things.

“That sounds perfect, Dean.” He whispers as he pulls back, his eye’s bright and glassy with unshed tears. “I love you.”

It’s going to take some time and their relationship won’t be perfect. There will be fights and there will be nightmares that will always linger, but Dean knows that if Cas is there with him nothing will be impossible. He has his colors and he has Cas and after everything that’s happened Dean knows that he’s the luckiest man on Earth.

 

\--

*One year later*

“Babe are you busy today? Maybe we can go out to eat after I finish this dude’s car. It’ll be a little bit though.”

Dean leans against the door frame of their greenhouse, his arms crossed as he watched his lover plant some of his flowers. Sometimes he still can’t believe that he has all of this. He has an amazing boyfriend, an amazing house, and a backyard that would make anyone jealous. He has to give that one to Cas though. He’s the one who does all the gardening to make it look good. He just waters them whenever he has the chance. Plus all of the colors look amazing.

“I’m just going to plant the rest of these flowers and take the honey orders into town. I should be done by time you are though and don’t you even think of touching me until you take a shower. I will not be all greasy when I go into town.”

Dean sighs but stays where he’s at. If he wants to hold Cas’s hand he’ll have to take an extra-long shower. He wonders how Cas ended up being such a clean freak, but it didn’t really bother Dean even if he griped and complained about it.

“What are you planting anyways?”

“Green Hellebores. I hear they are really pretty in flower arrangements so I wanted to give them a try.”

Cas finished packing the dirt in with a satisfied smile, tuning to face Dean as he wiped his hands clean. There was still some dirt on his face but Dean didn’t say anything. He always liked to see how long it would take the man to notice.

“You should probably hurry and finish the car you’re working on. You don’t want to keep your customers waiting.”

Dean smiled as Cas leaned in to kiss him.

“I’m sure he can wait a few more minutes.” He tries to go back in for a second kiss but Cas is already gone and all he gets is air.  


“Oh come on Cas! Another kiss isn’t going to hurt anyone!”

All he gets in response is laughter and Dean can’t help but shake his head. He can’t stay mad when he hears how happy his boyfriend is. Both of them still have nightmares and they wake up terrified in the middle of the night but this time they don’t have to deal with them alone. They have each other to talk to and slowly but surely the nightmares are going away.

Nothing about this life is perfect. They fought and they got mad at each other for the stupidest reasons but they were happy. Their lives were normal now compared to their past and Dean would be lying if he said he didn’t think something would go wrong. Things always do but he’s trying to look at the positive things in life.

No things definitely were not perfect but to Dean? They might as well be.


End file.
